NFL PICKS - WEEK 11

by Matt Minucci

Guess which one of these 'gambling tools' I'll be using if I lose to Big Dan?

Where have you gone, Big Dan....the nation turns it's loney eyes to you. Ooo-ooo-oooo! Where has Big Dan gone? Like Waldo, he's off on vacation somewhere, just tryin' to blend in with the local wildlife.

Big Dan's gets a bird's eye view of LA.

And while Big Dan licks his wounds, the show on Sportvent must go on. Yes, once again it's time for your Week 11 NFL picks, where I try to prove to you that a band of retarded Rhesus monkeys have better odds at making money gambling on the NFL than you do.

He's taking the the Jets, Rams and Eagles this week in a 3-team parlay.

As you know, sports gambling isn't legal in this country unless you're at a Vegas casino or in the middle of the South Pacific on an electrified screen door with walls. Comrade Stemkovsky, ever the benevolent Party leader, would sooner be caught kissing bolshevik butt than splurge to send me to Vegas, so, I once again brave the shark infested waters off the Cape of Great White, to bring you my scintillating NFL analysis.

Just another day at the office when Stemkovsky's your boss.

It's been 10 weeks running here at Sportvent and I've gone toe-to-toe with Big Dan for nine of 'em and a five year old (my daughter Hannah) for the other week.

The standings so far:

Me 79-63-2

Big Dan 77-65-2

As we run neck and neck, please keep in mind that Big Dan believes, "Sending your tailback over the top of the pile for a one-yard plunge into the end zone" is a euphemism for gay group sex.

Big Dan: Wanted Dead or Alive...mostly Dead.

Moving on....let's see how he does - and how I do...for Week 11 in the NFL:

THURSDAY GAME

CAROLINA (-3) over MIAMI

I'm not really sure what to make of Miami this year. I mean, I think they stink. But sometimes they jump up and punch the other team in the nose, and I think, "Hey, these guys have some fight left." At 4-5. they won last week, narrowly avoiding blowing a big lead to woeful Tampa Bay. Meanwhile, the Panthers, also 4-5, are positively surging, thanks to a renewed confidence in their running game and an avoidance of relying too much on QB Jake Delhomme. The game's in North Carolina, and I just don't see the Dolphins winning this one. What's more, the 'Fins starting RB, Ronnie Brown, just went on IR, leaving the offense to be led by spiritual guru and 420 friendly back, Ricky Williams. Hmmm. Yeah, I'm going Carolina. Panthers win, 24-17. Big Dan, you back yet?

Big Dan: Carolina ... Dexter is pulling a lame plot twist. Oooh, someone Masouka's height shot Lundy? Come on.

This week on Dexter...the guys from Scream.

SUNDAY GAMES

DETROIT (-3.5) over CLEVELAND

Battle of Titans, here, as 1-8 Cleveland takes on 1-8 Detroit. Let me be clear: Cleveland is tremendously inept. More so than even their awful 1-8 record indicates. They have no offense and no defense. Nothing to even remotely grasp at. I can't sit here and tell you, hey, that Brady Quinn, boy I sure think he'll connect with Massaquoi a few times... Nope, that's just not happening. Detroit, on the other-hand, even at 1-8, look like Superbowl Champs when compared to the Browns. Stafford to Calvin Johnson seems likely - several times, as Megatron should blow up the Browns secondary. It's even a pretty small spread, especially when you factor in this game is in Detroit. The Lions get their 2nd win, as that maul Cleveland, 27-10. Dan? Oh Dan? You there?

Big Dan: I love these "industrial wasteland versus industrial wasteland" matchups. Let's go with Cleveland, for marginally less destroyed.

Welcome to Detroit.

JACKSONVILLE (-9) over BUFFALO

There's nothing remotely fun about this Buffalo team. They're so bad, that TO is whining and ranting, threatening to blow up the team - again. And no one cares. Not a bit. They're too bad to even be blown up by TO. That's bad people. At 3-6, Buffalo is going in the wrong direction. Head coach Dick Jauron has been fired - at mid-season no less, and will be replaced on an interim basis by the defensive coordinator, Perry Fewell. This is not a good idea. What's more, the Jaguars have rebounded to pull themselves up to 5-4 and in the middle of the wild card hunt. I sense a monster day from Jags RB Maurice Jones-Drew as the Jaguars roll over the hapless, coachless Bills, 33-13. Biiiiig Dan! Whaddya say?

Big Dan: Now we have an industrial wasteland versus the postbellum South. Tough. Let's go with Buffalo. They'll be delighted not to be shoveling nine foot drifts off their walks.

I swear to God, this kid is everywhere. His dad must be so proud.

PITTSBURGH (-10) over KANSAS CITY

Sometimes, it's just this easy. Pittsburgh is 6-3 and fresh off a loss to Cincinnati that has got to sting, while the Chiefs, ineptly 2-7, are actually coming off a win v. Oakland. This game is in KC, but it won't matter. The Steelers are going to roll in to Kansas City and obliterate this Chief team that's lost both Larry Johnson (suspended, then released) and Dwayne Bowe (suspended). The Chiefs will look to Jamaal Charles and veteran Chris Chambers to pick up the slack - and both are decent, but this Steeler team is angry, wounded and looking for payback. I expect big Ben Roethlisberger, Santonio Holmes, Hines Ward and Rashard Mendenhall to lead the way in a Steel City romp, at Pittsburgh mows down the Chiefs, 30-7. Bigus Danus?

Big Dan: Everytime I hear about Pittsburgh I want to play Fallout 3 again. Today it's causing me more pique than fondness, so let's go with KC.

Welcome to Pittsburgh...or as Big Dan says, "The Pitt."

INDIANAPOLIS (-1) over BALTIMORE

Ugh. This is a brutal game. A 9-0 Indy team goes into Baltimore on to face a desperate 5-4 Ravens squad. There's a serious 'let-down' factor going on with Indy here. They haven't looked all that great in winning over the last few weeks - starting with the Niner game. They won an emotional game last Sunday night by barely beating the Patriots on a last second Manning to Wayne TD after Bill Belichick basically gave them the game on a silver platter. They should be 8-1. But they're not. They are still undefeated. Baltimore, meanwhile, is coming off a game where they barely broke a sweat in kicking the holy hell out of a brutally bad Cleveland squad. I dunno. I've got a sinking feeling the Ravens are going to find a way to win this game...but after Sunday night, I'm not betting against Peyton Manning. Colts win a squeaker again, 20-17. Dan-o-Mac?

Big Dan: You ever hear of ravens feasting on the eyes of horses? Baltimore!

Raven? Crow? Either way, the Colts are in trouble.

GIANTS (-6.5) over ATLANTA

Second Year QB in a big slump? Check. Play-offs on the brink after a loss? Check. Best WR questionable with a knee injury? Check. One of the top RBs in the NFL out with an ankle sprain? Check. Playing in the Meadowlands against a pissed off Giant team coming off a bye? Check. Yeah, well, looks like all the makings are there for the Falcons to get the living snot beat out of them this weekend. Giants roll, 32-17. Dan?

Big Dan: I just heard a hi-LAR-ious Artie Lang bit about Bob Shepherd and Lawrence Taylor. Puts me in a good mood about the Giants. So, Giants.

Big Dan's hero.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

I can't take SanFran in this game. There's just no way. They scored a lackluster 10 points in beating the Bears last week, while the Packers mauled the Cowboys. The game's in Lambeau, and I expect Aaron Rodgers to make life miserable for the Niner defense, while what looks to be a fired up Packer D should have no trouble containing Alex Smith. Frank Gore will get his yards and might even score, but it won't be enough to stop the Pack from walloping the Niners. Packers prevail, 28-13. DanoRama?

Big Dan: Green Bay. All things California must be destroyed this week.

Me: Why?

Big Dan: Because my team got killed out there, and it's payback time.

Big Dan is lookin' for some payback.

MINNESOTA (-11) over SEATTLE

This is another one of those games that only sad, compulsive gamblers care about. Oh, I think I just described 95% of my audience. Ah, well then. But really, it's not a question of whether or not the Vikes will win this game. They're 8-1, they're playing at home, and they're playing a terrible 3-6 Seahawk team that just got lit up by Kurt Warner and the high-flying Arizona offense. It won't get any easier for the 'Hawks as the Viking offense is fairly potent itself, boasting Hall of Famer QB Brett Favre, All-Day Adrian Peterson, probable rookie of the year, Percy Harvin and fantastic young WR Sidney Rice. It's a powerful bunch and one that the Seahawks have no prayer of stopping. The Vikings destroy Seattle, 41-17. Dan?

Big Dan: Minnesota. Let's extend the vendetta to the whole coast.

Big Dan and his big Vendetta.

WASHINGTON (+11) over DALLAS

This is a damn sneaky game. Stemkovsky will tell you chapter and verse how horrific the Redskins are - and they are really really bad. Plus, Clinton Portis is out of this game with concussion-related symptoms, so they'll be relying on Ladell Betts and Rock Cartwright for their ground game. But, you know what? This is an NFC East rivalry game. And you can throw the records out the window. Yes, the 'Skins are 3-6, but they dismantled Denver last weekend and Betts ran for 114 yards. While Dallas is 6-3, but got embarassed by Green Bay. The game's in Big D, so the Cowboys should win...but they're not covering an 11 point spread. It'll be a close call, but the 'Skins +11 will eke out the gambler's win: Dallas 24 Washington 14. Big Damn Dan?

Big Dan: Why do New Yorkers insanely hate Jerry Jones?

Me: I don't think it's limited to NY

Big Dan: Why does everyone hate Jerry Jones?

Me: Because he's an ego-maniacal megolomanic billionaire with delusions of grandeur, I imagine.

Big Dan: Oh. Well, no sympathy for him. He can cry himself to sleep on his piles of money. Redskins.

Jerry Jones' Ego knows no bounds.

NEW ORLEANS (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY

Finally, a double-digit spread I can sink my teeth into. Unlike the absurd Dallas line from above, this line is actually probably a little bit understated as the 9-0 Saints take on the fiesty, upset minded, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Saints struggled to beat abysmal St. Louis last week, while the Bucs narrowly avoided upsetting the Dolphins. I'd guessing the oddsmakers are finding the Bucs a tad spirited, while wondering if the Saints are simply just bored. Either way, I think Drew Brees feasts on the Buccaneers undermanned secondary and the Saints put this one away early. A 21-0 lead before the end of the first quarter wouldn't shock me in the least. Saints roll and cover easily, 42-14. D-money?

Big Dan: I just found out we might have a tournament in New Orleans next semester! Let's go with them. Get on the city's good side.

Just another day in New Orleans.

ARIZONA (-9) over ST. LOUIS

Crazy as it sounds, I almost opted for the Rams in this one. I think Steven Jackson can control a game and enable the Rams to hang close and maybe even pull off an upset win. However, I'm not sure he can do it against the Cardinals, who boast a fairly stout run-defense. On the flip side, the Rams haven't got a pray of slowing down the high-powered Cardinal attack, led by ageless Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin (or Steve Breaston) and the emerging rookie RB Beanie Wells. Even Tim Hightower is a versitile threat as a receiver out of the backfield and a goal-line vulture. Again, this shouldn't be close as the Cards should blow the Rams out on the fast turf in St Loo....Cards win easy, 38-20. Dan the man?

Big Dan: Didn't they both used to be known as the Cardinals at some point?

Me: Well, no...the Arizona Cardinals used to be in St. Louis - as the Cardinals, while the Rams used to be in Los Angeles - as the Rams.

Big Dan: Can't these teams settle down on a goddamn name?! Rams.

Me: They never changed names. Just cities.

Big Dan: Meh. Whatever. I'll just pick the team with the shortest name. Rams.

Simple is Big Dan's middle name. Huh. I always thought it was 'jerkass.'

NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over the JETS

I'm not super-confident on this one. The game is in Foxboro, but the Jets, while pretty inconsistant this year behind a rookie QB and a coach that isn't afraid to cry, have been known to give the Patriots a tough game, from time to time. Witness, earlier this year in the Meadowlands, when the Jets shocked the Pats and the rest of the NFL, by beating them like a dead fish. However, right now, the Jets, at 4-5, are on life-support for the playoffs, while the Pats, at 6-3 and in control of the lousy AFC East, are probably pretty pissed off after their Indianapolis debacle. My guess is that the Patriots work out a TON of their frustration on rookie QB Mark Sanchez, and they probably will make Rex Ryan cry again. And kiss their rings. Patriots roll - and run it up - 48-24. Sir Dan?

Big Dan: cripple-haters, or for the cheating Sons of Drunken Ted. Ugggh. Time for the British pound.

(coin flip)

Big Dan: Patriots it is. That's kind of ironic.

Once again: God Save the Queen!

CINCINNATI (-9.5) over OAKLAND

Another of the dreaded "trap" games as a high-flying 7-2 Bengal team has to go to Oakland and face the dreadful 2-7 Raiders. Cincy is coming off an emotional win - and sweep - of division rival Steelers and taken control of the AFC Central. It's going to be tough to fly to the West coast and get up for a game against a team that's been out of it since 2004. But, lucky for the Bengals, the Raiders are plenty bad enough for the Bengals to survive a slow first half, get their act together and then blow the game open in the second half - which is exactly what I think they'll do. Bengals roll in the second half, win and cover, 26-13. D-man?

Big Dan: Bengals ... California delenda est.

Me: I don't even know what that means.

Big Dan: Weren't you a history major?

Me: I don't understand what barbarians you're defending against.

Big Dan: Brother, if you don't think California is full of barbarians, you need to read a book. If you don't think OAKLAND is full of barbarians, you need to call your doctor because I think you're in a coma.

Barbarians are at the Golden Gate according to Big Dan.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over DENVER

My how things change quickly in the NFL. Just a few weeks ago, the Chargers were floundering while the Broncos were running away with things, having a stranglehold on the division at 6-0. Fast forward three weeks and the Broncos have lost three straight, falling to 6-3, while the Chargers just keep finding ways to win, and are sitting also at 6-3, tied with Denver for the division. The Chargers come into this game loaded for bare and I think they assert their dominance over the Broncos who have both had their defense exposed in recent weeks and have lost their starting QB Kyle Orton to injury. Orton's questionable this week, but all reports indicate he will not play, leaving the Broncos' hopes in the fragile, inept hands of Chris Simms. I think the Chargers rumble and stumble their way to the win, dropping the Broncos, 27-21, to take the lead in the AFC West. Dan-dy?

Big Dan: Didn't we just go through this? Denver. California gets swept this week.

Me: Instead of blaming california for your foibles, shouldn't you look within yourself?

Big Dan: No.

The Blame Game.

PHILADELPHIA (-3) over CHICAGO

I was going to say this is two teams going in opposite directions, but, really, the Eagles are treading water - at best - after losing last weekend to the Chargers. Meanwhile, the Bears are floundering - and sinking fast. A lost to the lowly Niners last week puts the Bears at 4-5. Now, this game is in Chicago, but Philly usually has little trouble playing in the cold. I expect McNabb, Jackson and rookie RB LeShon McCoy to run rough-shod over the Bears. Eagles win easy, 34-7. DJ Puff n' stuff?

Big Dan: All right, back to REAL cities. Let's say Chicago, because as we all know Philly is ok with having a dog-rapist as a player.

Me: I'm pretty sure Vick didn't rape any dogs

Big Dan: I'm not.

Mike Vick hit it.

MONDAY NIGHT

HOUSTON (-4.5) over TENNESSEE

This Monday night affair should be a good one as the Titans invade Houston to take on the Texans. The Texans are 5-4 and coming off their bye, while the Titans - at 3-6 - have been playing a helluva lot better of late - ever since replacing Kerry Collins with Vince Young. But really, it's been the play of all-world RB Chris Johnson that has picked up the Titans. It's a close call, but the game's in Houston and I think the home field plus coming off a bye, should give the well rested Texans and Matt Schaub all they need to get past the Titans. I'm going with Houston to win and cover, 28-21. Dan-o?

Big Dan: Oilers versus Titans ... "Oiled Titans" sounds like a horrific gay porno. Ew, I just made my own skin crawl away. I guess Oilers. It's less nasty on its own.

Me: Houston's nickname is the Texans.

Big  Dan: Well, that shut me up.

Big Dan shuts up.

Well that closes the door on Week 11 in the NFL. Can Big Dan overtake me or will I hold onto my slim lead? I have no chance. So, let's close on an up note...Cheerleaders!

Are you ready for some football!