Yesterday we looked at numbers 6-10 of, in my opinion, the
worst sports movies of all time. Today we see the walking abominations that
comprise numbers 5 thru 1. Without further ado:
5. Juwanna Man (2002)
Guess which one has a penis? Trick question! It's the WNBA! They both do!
Setting aside the obvious racial overtones of the title, the
movie itself was incomprehensible turgid garbage. Basically, NBA star Jamal
Jeffries crazy on the court and off the court antics have led to him being
suspended forever by the league. Lacking any sort of skill in any other aspect
of the human race, and facing financial problems, Jeffries realizes he can play
in the WNBA if he dresses in drag. So he throws on a dress and changes his name
to Juwanna. Essentially it’s Michael Vick meets women’s basketball. Actually,
Mike Vick in drag probably would happen if we had a women’s football league.
And that would be hilarious. But this movie basically insults your intelligence
right to your face, with such honest dialogue I’ve never seen:
Girl: “No one is gonna believe you’re a man!”
Juwanna: “You did.”
Girl: “Alright, this is blackmail!”
Juwanna: “No, it’s black…FE-male!”
Girl: “That’s not funny.”
No it is not. And how does a movie show generous scenes of a
women’s locker room and not show any nudity – not even Juwanna Mann. I mean,
the dude even showers in his clothes and no one thinks this is odd.
This happens all the time.
And there’s
some talent in this movie with Kevin Pollack, Vivica A. Fox, Tommy Davidson,
Kim Wayans. Even Sam Jackson has a cameo. But “Tootsie playing basketball” is
just not a winning idea. I’ll tell you what. Go watch Tootsie. Then go watch
White Men Can’t Jump. See two fun movies and none of the brain-melting nonsense
of Juwanna Man, which probably should have been burned in an 80’s movie
recycling heap with Just One Of the Guys.
This doesn't.
4. Safe At Home (1962)
The heartwarming story of conjoined triplets.
Sigh. This is a tough one. This movie is wretched. But there’s
a high sentimental factor I’ll get to in a moment. Basically, this is a quickie
60’s flick that is trying to cash in on the fame of Roger Maris and Mickey
Mantle – the M&M boys – around the time they were assaulting Ruth’s fabled
60 homer record. A little boy lies to his friends about knowing Maris and
Mantle because he’s embarrassed he’s got a deadbeat for a dad. When his friends
predictably dare him to “prove it” he sets out for Ft.Lauderdale
to convince Maris and Mantle to come to his party. Hilarity ensues. I confess
though, it’s nice to see Maris, Mantle, Ralph Houk and Whitey Ford in their
primes. Even if it is unbelievable forced acting and general awkwardness.
However, Maris had improved his outright contempt for the world to just normal
surliness and Mantle is relatively sober for most of the movie. So, there’s
that. The movie looks and feels like an extra long episode of Leave it To
Beaver or the Brady Bunch and essentially that’s what it is. I suppose if you
were to catch it on AMC if it ever airs, you might find yourself smiling a bit
at Baseball’s lost innocence. Seriously, I sat down and tried to think of a way
to remake this movie today, with a pair of teammates who could compare to
Mantle and Maris, and I just couldn’t do it. I suppose you could have A-Rod and
Jeter as sort of a “Goofus and Gallant” riff. But for my money, I’d go the
R-rated comedy route, like the Hangover and Wedding Crashers and just have the
kid follow Big Papi and Manny around the league, juicing and humping, eating
and drinking. God, it’d be like Natural Born Killers meets the Klumps.
"Hey Mickey, what's that poking me in the..." "Just my cup, Jimmy."
3. Rocky V (1990)
This would still be better than Rocky V.
Wow. What can you say about Rocky V that hasn’t already been
said. Rocky V was universally panned by fans and critics. Acclaimed ESPN
writer, Bill Simmons, a noted Rocky fan, has stated on record that he feels
Rocky V never happened. He won’t even acknowledge the movie exists. Stallone is
also on record as saying his prime motivation for doing Rocky Balboa is due to the
bitter taste Rocky V left in his mouth and that he would give Rocky V “zero” on
a scale of 1 to 10. Look, in Rocky, a down on his luck boxer gets one last shot
at the title, facing impossible odds versus an unbeatable opponent. Rocky 2?
Same movie, except he wins this time. Rocky 3 was a little corny, but still
showed Rocky learning the price of fame and getting beat down by Clubber Lang,
one of the best movie villains of all time. And in Rocky IV, Rocky ends
Communism. You can’t top that. Rocky V doesn’t even try.
Pictured above: Not Rocky V.
I won’t rehash the
plot too much, because if you haven’t seen it, you’re simply not missing much.
Let me just say this: It’s a Rocky movie in which Rocky doesn’t box. Not once.
You see the problem? Oh, there’s hints
of boxing. We see him right after the Drago fight. He has various flashbacks to
all the tremendous beatings he took. And he does sign on to fight the number 1
contender. But then his doctors advise him against fighting due to brain damage
he’s suffered in all his fights. Pity Larry Holmes didn’t have Balboa’s
doctors. But I digress. So, yeah, a Rocky movie where Stallone doesn’t box.
Instead he trains a hungry young fighter played by real life boxer Tommy
Morrison. So, rather than get a trained actor to portray a boxer, they instead
get a boxer to pretend to be an actor. Makes sense. Wonder why they didn’t do
that with Rocky’s 1-4? Or Raging Bull. But again, I digress. Finally,
predictably, the kid turns on Rocky and signs up with a Don King-clone. And the
kid wins the title. Now, if you can wrap your head around the first Irish heavy
weight champ since Jim J. Braddock, then try to figure out why in the world he
challenges Stallone to a match. At least, I thought, now we see boxing. Nope.
Stallone refuses to fight him. So he decks Paulie and Stallone challenges him
to a street fight. No ring. No gloves. No rules. Also, no doctors, no refs, no
trainers. Much safer than just getting into a boxing ring. Rocky gets
pulverized and still wins, beating up both Tommy Gunn and Don King. Hmm. Simmons probably has the right idea. Let’s
just pretend this movie never happened.
Rocky v. Rambo. It. Could. Happen.
2. Caddyshack 2. (1988)
What a piece of &*!$.
I was sorely tempted to leave that comment as my only remark
regarding Caddyshack 2. But I guess I’ll elaborate for those fortunate enough
to have never seen it. First of all, the movie lamely tries to capture the zany
brilliance of the first one, but fails most likely due to the fact that Harold
Ramis was sober when he wrote Caddyshack 2.
I swear I was funny once.
But also, it replaces Chevy Chase, Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield – all brilliant
in the first movie – with Robert Stack, Dan Aykroyd and Jackie Mason, who all
suck. Ok Chevy Chase is in ‘Shack 2, but only for like 10 seconds. He’s clearly
collecting a cameo paycheck. And don’t give me any crap about Aykroyd. Not only
is he absolutely awful doing a lame Bill Murray impression in Caddyshack 2, but
name me one good movie this clown has done since Ghostbusters. Can’t do it, can
you? Don’t even try I know you can’t. My Stepmother is an Alien? Coneheads? Exit
to Eden?
Trading Places and Blues Brothers were both pre-Ghostbusters by the way.
This is inevitable.
Poor
Robert Stack is just miscast and clueless as Ultra Magnus or some such
nonsense, but Jackie Mason is the biggest turd in a punchbowl full of crap. Not
one thing he says, not one line he delivers, not one joke he makes or
expression on his face is even remotely funny. He might as well be telling me
my dog died of parvovirus instead of trying to make me laugh in Caddyshack 2.
It’s the same result. Furthermore, this movie was rated PG. WHY?!? It’s freakin’
Caddyshack! The name alone should garner an R rating. Who, exactly are you
trying to appeal to Ramis? It’s only 8 years after the first one. All the teens
that saw it are still in their mid-20’s. I don’t get this. Making Caddyshack PG
is like making a Friday the 13th where Jason doesn’t kill anyone. Or
making Porky’s without breasts. Or a Rocky movie where he doesn’t box. You just…uh…don’t
do it. Oh, and remember the furry rodent thing that gave Bill Murray fits in
Chaddyshack? Yeah, he’s back. But in this one, he talks. For God’s sake, Ramis,
get back on the drugs. Drugs. Ya gotta have drugs.
Drugs.
1. The Babe Ruth Story (1948)
Words fail me.
Let me touch on another Babe Ruth movie here briefly, before
delving into the morass that is the Babe Ruth story. In 1992, John Goodman and Arthur Hiller set
out to do a ‘real life’ Babe Ruth story, titled “The Babe”, looking at the life
of the Babe in all it’s gory detail. It was a disaster, both financially and
critically. Everyone hated it and it was universally panned as one of the worst
bio-pics ever. It’s certainly one of the worst sports movies ever made and
probably deserves to be on this list. I’d say it ranks as number 11, meaning it
just missed my cut. But really this entire list is debatable. And The Babe
certainly has merit as a god-awful movie, starting with Goodman’s performance –
which is terrible, as he for some reason things Babe Ruth is a fat Tarzan fresh
from the jungles of Africa or something. His
Ruth is rude, fat, flatulent, boorish, fat, half-pyschotic…and fat. Did I say
fat? The real Ruth wasn’t even close to Goodman’s girth. In fact, until the
very end of his career, he was down right spry. But it’s not just that. There’s
tons of factual errors, from the Green Monster at Fenway in 1925 (didn’t show
up til ’47) to the Ivy at Wrigley Field in ’32. (It wasn’t planted yet.) All in
all, it’s just a horrible movie. But at least it tries (and fails miserably) to
give us a more humanistic, real Babe Ruth.
At least he's got a cigar and not a lollipop.
Not so in 1948’s The Babe Ruth Story. It stars the immortal
William Bendix, who was so miscast as the Babe, that instead of losing or
gaining weight, ala Goodman, he wears a painfully obvious fake putty nose. Which,
actually, is sorta genius. I mean…a Yankee cap, a jersey and a putty nose, and
presto, you’re the Babe. Halloween’s a cinch for you from now on.
Starring William Bendix as zombie Babe Ruth
I gotta be honest here. I actually love this movie. To me,
it’s the Plan 9 From Outer Space of Sports movies. It’s so unbelievably bad, it’s
just awesome. With a positively gleeful disregard for the facts of any kind,
Bendix portrays Ruth from childhood (well, his teen years) to death, as a
boyish oaf who’s just really good at baseball. The scenes are just Kafka-esque
in their utterly bizarre glory. In one scene, the Babedix hits a dog with a
line drive in the middle of a game. Horrified, Babedix rushes to the injured
dogs side and carries the pooch to the hospital, leaving in the middle of the
game to do it. Aww, good ol’ Babe! The dog lives and poor Babedix is benched. I
will admit that I fell out of my seat, howling with laughter, at the scene in
which the Babe walks into a seedy bar and orders milk In another memorable
scene, the Babedix channels Jesus as he hits a titanic home run that cures a
little crippled boy.
"Hey Jesus, what's that poking..."
This movie has it all. It has Claire Hodgson singing “Singin’
In the Rain” ten years before it was released. It has a Yankee Stadium
billboard advertising Ballantine Beer at the height of prohibition. It even has
Babe’s mentor, Brother Mathias remain the exact same age from 1914 until 1948.
A testament to clean living I guess. The
movie was co-written by notorious Ruth apologist Grantland Rice, who spent most
of his career as a sportwriter overlooking and covering up most of the Babe’s
real life sexual and alcoholic exploits. So, the fact that it’s saccharine and
sugary surprises no one. What is surprising is the amazing accuracy of the
ending. The movie ends with Babe’s death from volunteering to take an
experimental miracle drug.
What really killed Babe Ruth.
"I'll promise to go easier on drinking and
to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred
and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun." - Babe Ruth
