So, yesterday we looked at an impressive group of studs and today we have some more fun and look at an even more impressive group of bumbling dunderheads that I affectionately call...the Duds. Without further ado:
DUDS:
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's....Ralph Hinkley.
David Ortiz, Designated Blob, Boston Red Sox
David Ortiz's dudliness has been so pronounced this season that I've written an entire article about it. But the short version of it is that the heart and soul of the Red Sox lineup is suffering a severe bout of suckitude. Whether it's age, lack of steroids or just overall fatness, Ortiz's numbers have plummetted to an embarassing .210 batting average, 5 homeruns and 28 runs batted in. Ugh.
Jimmy Rollins, SS, Philadelphia Phillies
J-Roll has quietly amassed some pretty serious dud numbers this year. The sparkplug and catalyst to a potent Phillie lineup has bounced between leadoff and sixth in the batting order, but hasn't responded on a consistant basis. He's 'slugged' his way to .217 average with 5 homeruns and 25 RBIs and a mere 10 stolen bases. Those numbers just won't cut it Jimmy. Dud.
Manny Ramirez, genetically enhanced OF, Dodgers
I can't argue with Ramirez's numbers. They're fantastic - over the few at bats he had. What I can argue is how exactly did Ramirez manage to accumulate those numbers. By cheating, of course. Busted for using PEDs, Manny's 50 game suspension left a gap in the Dodger lineup big enough to drive David Oritz through. Which is huge. The Dodgers signed Manny with the hopes of watching him rake all season long. They even planned to name a section of the bleachers "Mannywood." The suspension was as costly as it was embarassing. Well done Man-Ram. Dud.
Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire's sidekick, Retired
Yo no hablo ingles.
Now, this comes as a shock to no one, but Sammy Sosa has been revealed to have tested positive for PEDs back in 2003. But what is interesting, is that it IS the first concrete evidence that proves what everyone already knew. Sosa is a cheater. Actually, this probably should have been a big DUD shout out to the entire 2013 Hall of Fame class - which is shaping up to be Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds. Wow. I think I just heard Selig hang himself. Or maybe it was Kung Fu assassins. Anyway, duds abound.
Francisco Liriano, SP, Minnesota Twins
Wow. Poor Franky Liriano. He was supposed to be the ace of the Twins staff. Instead, he's probably one more bad start away from being sent to the minors. He came on like a ball of fire in 2006, going 12-3 with a miniscule 2.16 ERA before an arm injury derailed his career. He's tried to come back from it after missing all of 2007. But so far in 2009 he's just 2-7 with a 5.99 ERA, allowing 34 walks and 75 hits in just 70 innings pitched. Sorry Frankie. Dud.
Donte Stallworth. Where to begin. Well first he's not even that good a WR. But more importantly, he killed someone. I think we can all agree that most murderers are duds right? I mean, I guess John Dillinger was pretty cool. But you kill someone, you're pretty much a dud. Oh, and a total scumbag. Stallworth had a BAC of .126, well over the legal limit of .08, when he plowed into a 53 year old innocent victim. He somehow managed to get only 30 days in jail for pleading guilty to DUI Manslaughter. How? Well probably because he used whatever NFL money he had to grease the system and pay off the victims family. Too bad they didn't throw him under the jail. Dud is too good for you Dante.
Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with my Bentley.
Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
The Penguins won the NHLs Stanley Cup recently. Maybe you heard about it. It was thanks in no part to Pens Captain Sidney Crosby who had a mere 3 points over the seven game finals. He even missed a large portion of the second period of game seven with a severely sprained fallopian tube. When he came back in the third period, he played sparringly and even managed a feat I didn't think possible as he limped around the ice. How do you limp on ice skates? Finally, after winning game 7, Crosby reportedly refused to shake hands with the Wings. And you're the CAPTAIN? Bad job, Sidney. Dud.
*(side note here: I'd like to give a belated Stud to 21st century technology.
What do you think you're doing, Dave?
Why, you may ask? Well I watched Game 7 of the NHL finals why talking on Skype with my friend in England. We watched the game at the same time, each at a beer in front of us, our legs up, chatting away about the action as it happened, for free, across the Atlantic Ocean. It was great. What's more, I didn't need him in the room with me to enjoy watching the game with a buddy. In fact, I preferred it that way, since he suffers from a hideous deformity thank to a drunken moil bris accident when he was an infant. Stud to 21st Century Tech! Dud to the moil.)
Vladimir Guerrero, OF, Anaheim Angels
Big Daddy Vladdy has been a shell of his former self this year, thanks in large part to a host of injuries that are breaking down the former All-star. However, injuries can only cover so much. The fact is, when healthy, Vladdy has only compiled a .273 average, 1 HR and 9 RBIs, over 110 at bats. 1 HR in 110 AT BATS?!?! Sorry Vladdy, that's a dud.
Oliver Perez, SP, New York Mets
Ollie Perez was signed by the Mets to be a large part of there rotation. A veteran presence between stud ace Johan Santana and youngsters Mike Pelfrey and John Maine. It...uh...hasn't worked out that way as Perez has been an absolute nightmare for the Mets. In fact, I think I'm going as Oliver Perez for Halloween this year. Terrify little kids and adults all over Queens! Fun at parties! Perez's numbers are hideous. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to look away. A 1-2 record, an astounding 9.97 ERA with 21 walks, 28 hits in just 21 IP, for an astronomical 2.26 WHiP. Damn, my eyes! Dud.
Chein-ming Wang, SP, New York Yankees
Not to be outdone, the Mets cross-town rivals, the Yankees have their own abomination on the mound, as former 19 game winner Chein Ming Wang has done his best Oliver Perez immitation up in the Bronx. In fact, Wang's numbers are so bad, they make Perez look like a Cy Young winner. Graphic image warning. Wang's numbers will scar you. A record of 0-4, with a damn funny 14.34 ERA, 12 walks and 45 (FORTY FIVE!) hits in just 21 IP for a league-leading 2.67 WHiP. What does this mean? Basically, anyone reading this article right now could probably step to the plate and get a hit off Wang right now. Super-Dud.
USC ATHLETICS
USC. USC. USC. Oh, where to begin. Y'know what, there's just too much. Let me just sum up. This is really it's own article which I'll get to at a later date. Promise. But essentially, the football and basketball programs at USC have been rampantly and flagrantly violating NCAA rules at an alarming rate. And recently, the NCAA combined two major investigations, deciding to merge the Reggie Bush inquiry (allegedly received over 300,000 dollars while at USC) with the OJ Mayo inquiry (allegedly received pretty much the same amount). This was followed shortly by USC basketball coach Tim Floyd's resignation. Pete Carroll, however, has defiantly decided to go down with the ship. This combined investigation could lead to returning championship monies, forfeiting games previously won (including National Championship and bowl games), loss of scholarships and being banned from post season play. Damn, USC! Dud. Also, for some bizarre reason, Pete Carroll thought this was a good idea:
Will Ferrell, a DUD in his own right (Land of the Lost), emerges as "Captain Compete!" at a USC October practice. Now I'm blind.
Chris Davis, 1B, Texas Rangers
This was supposed to be a breakout year for Chris Davis. Many experts predicted 30 HR and 100 RBI for the young slugger. Hasn't exactly turned out that way. Sure, when Davis makes contact, the ball does go far, as his 12 HR attest to. But with a meager .208 average and just 27 RBIs, he's not lived up to the hype. But what's even more astounding is his 92 strikeouts in just 202 at bats, putting him on a pace to strike out roughly 276 times this season. Which...uh...would be quite a record. A dud record. But a record nonetheless.
Geovanny Soto, C, Chicago Cubs
Last year, Soto broke out as a rookie with 23 HR, 86 RBIs and a .285 average. He was expected to be a mainstay in the Cubs lineup in 09. But he's suffering from a severe sophmore slump, hitting just .226 with a mere 3 HR and 16 RBI. Wow. Bad job Geovanny. Bad job. Dud.
Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP, Boston Red Sox
The Sox paid a ton of money for Dice-K last year, and he didn't disappoint, winning 18 games in 2008, helping lead the Sox to another playoff appearance. However, this year, the wheels have completely come off the Dice-K bandwagon as he's faltered severly, compiling a 1-4 record, a 7.55 ERA, allowing 14 BB and 51 hits in just 31 IP for a staggeringly bad 2.10 WHiP. Dud-K.
Brandon Marshall, WR, Denver Broncos
No one is questioning Marshall's talent on the field (though he did have a staggering number of drops last year). But it's his off the field antics that have led him to this list of shame. Marshall has skipped mandatory meetings, demanded a trade and complained of nerve damage in his right arm. Of course, he's also been charged with beating his ex-girlfriend twice and his current girlfriend once. Which probably led to his nerve damage. Now, it's entirely possible that Marshall noticed Jay Cutler was in Chicago and he'd have Kyle Orton throwing to him in an entirely new offense. I'd have asked for a trade too. I would not, however, beat women. Dud Brandon. Dud.
Honorable Mention - Duds!
Magglio Ordonez, OF, Detroit Tigers: .276 2 HR 21 RBI
Jose Reyes, SS, New York Mets: .279 2 HR 15 RBI 11 stolen bases
Carlos Quentin, OF, Chicago White Sox: .229 8 HR 20 RBI
Daniel Murphy, 1B-OF, New York Mets: .238 4 HR 19 RBI
Pat Burrell, DH, Tampa Bay Rays: .241 1 HR 17 RBI
Mike Aviles, SS, Kansas City Royals: .183 1 HR 8 RBI
Manny Parra, SP, Milwaukee Brewers:3-8 7.52 ERA 83 H, 41 BB, 64 IP
Ricky Nolasco, SP, Florida Marlins: 2-6 7.62 ERA 17 BB, 81 H, 56 IP
Ervin Santana, SP, Anaheim Angels: 1-3 7.47 ERA 13 BB, 45 H, 31 IP
SPEED RACER, Wachowski Brothers
Another piece of my childhood is raped.
Has anyone seen this movie? I never had. Caught part of it on cable last night. What a piece of seizure inducing garbage! This was one of the worst, most ridiculous movies I have ever seen. How does Matthew Fox go from Lost to this? John Goodman and Susan Sarandon also appeared - probably at gunpoint - in this turgid pile of crap. However, I will say, it's better than NASCAR.
DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS
Palin-gate has certainly been an interesting experience for Letterman. I think he just apologized to her again, which brings his running total of apologies to 463. For those of you that don't know, Letterman joked on his show last week that when Sarah Palin took her daughter to the Yankee game, the girl left pregnant, courtesy of one of the New York Yankees. Problem was, Letterman 'claims' he was referring to Palin's 18 year old daughter Bristol. But Palin actually brought her younger, 14 year old daughter, to the game. Oopsie. Letterman quickly learned that rape, statutory or otherwise, is never funny. What particularly irks me about this entire incident is that no one seems to care that Letterman accused the Yankees of raping a 14 year old girl. We're just ok with this? Is that what we think of ballplayers? As a Yankee fan, I DEMAND an apology to the Yankees, Mr. Letterman. And I'll be waiting, you gap-toothed Dud.
Letterman, above, imagining he's watching the Yankees have their way with Bristol Palin.
