Say hallelujah! After three weeks, I am declaring myself Champion of the World! Well, at least, champion of Sportvent. Well...I'm beating Big Dan. Finally!
Big Dan came down to earth last week, going a mediocre 7-9, while your truly, handicapping Mangenius, cruised to a 12-4 mark, including calling the Lions first win of the year. Go me!
So a look at the new standings going into week 4 shows us:
Me3018-
BIG DAN27213
Now that's more like it! So, after 3 week, I'm up by 3 games. I'm beating a guy who thinks that a curl route, a button hook and a fade pattern are all hair styles. Suddenly, I don't feel so well.
Big Dan stares into the depths of your soul before he destroys you.
As we head into week 4, Big Dan will try to recapture the magic that captivated the hearts of the nation over the first two weeks. Here we go:
Tampa Bay (+7) over Washington
Talk about having to choose between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. How can Washington possibly be giving seven?!? They lost to Detroit! The same Detroit that was previously 0 and 77. And the Bucs just got shutout by the Giants and were held to under 100 yards total offense. I do think the 'Skins will win this game but expecting a 7 point cover is asking a helluva lot. I almost think this will be a 'push' game - a 17-10 Redskin win - which means "STAY AWAY!" Don't bet this game. If you must bet...take the Bucs and hope for a missed field goal. Skins 14 Bucs 10. Big Dan?
Big Dan: Redskins -- pirates will never beat Indians. They don't have the gusto. Look what natives do to pirates in every movie!
Me: uh, what do the natives do exactly?
Big Dan: Boil em in a pot, eat them alive, I dunno, go watch a movie. Do I have to do everything for you?
Never trust the natives. Or the Pirates. In fact...trust no one.
Giants (-9) over Kansas City
The Giants are probably the best team in the NFL right now. And it kills me to type that. On any given day, they would and should destroy the Chiefs. The Chiefs are just terrible. Fresh off demolishing the Bucs, the G-Men have to salivating at the thought of lighting up the Chiefs. One word of caution however. The Giants will become the 107th NFL team to play three straight regular-season road games since 1990. Only SEVEN of the 106 teams won all three games. It shouldn't matter, but it is something to keep in mind. Having said that, I still think the Giants will win and cover, 24-7. Dan-0?
Big Dan: Giants. See, Indians can't beat giants. Oooh, maybe we should stack them up against giant pirates.
Somehow, I was expecting something more...formidable?
Indianapolis (-10 1/2) over Seattle
I couldn't get a line on this game all week. Finally, tonight, I managed to find one at 10 1/2. That's how absurd this match-up is. No one wants to lay odds on the 'hawks. They're going to get obliterated. Seattle, on the road, in Indy, against Peyton Manning, has about as much of a chance as Custer did vs. 15,000 smilin' Apaches. If you can find someone to take this bet, take the Colts and lay the points. It's not even gonna be remotely close. Colts 38 Seahawks 13. Big D?
Big Dan: Time to flip that British pound again. Aaaand it's ...It landed on a crumb. Hold on....Colts.
One more...God save the Queen!
Raven (+2) over Patriots
I'm rapidly losing faith in Bill Beli-cheat. But I'm rapidly gaining faith in young, cannon armed Joltin' Joe Flacco. And once again, I'm getting points for a team I think will win outright. How do I not take the Ravens? The Pats are banged up severely at both WR (Welker and Moss) and RB (Morris and Maroney). Welker and Moss should both play, but they will absorb punishment from the Ravens D. The Ravens, meanwhile, are smokin'. I don't even think this game will be that close. Ravens 27 Pats 16. Dan?
Big Dan: The Ravens shall fly into town and feast on Uncle Teddy's bloated remains. Halloween is coming! OooooOOoooh.
Me: are you on drugs?
Big Dan: No but I did sustain serious blood loss from a paper cut.
I wonder where Ted Kennedy is these days, anyway.
Titans (-3) over Jaguars
The Titans are NOT as bad as 0-3. Going into Jacksonville, in a rivalry game, it's put up or shut up for the Titans. If they drop to 0-4, they are baked for 2009. Or cooked. Whatever. I think they bounce back and win big. Chris Johnson vs. MJD should be a fun ground battle to watch. And in Jacksonville, coach Jack Del Rio took away David Garrard's weekly radio show. That's no way to head into a big game vs. the Titans. Tennessee rolls, 28-17. Big Dan-o?
Big Dan: Where is Jacksonville? Florida?
Me: uh...yes
Big Dan: Tennessee.
Me: not fond of Florida?
Big Dan: Not since I was forced to look at Jon Lithgow's bare ass in the season premiere of Dexter.
Cheeky move, Lithgow. Cheeky move.
Texans (-9.5) over Oakland
Last week taught me something. Never pick the Raiders. I repeat, never, never, EVER pick the Raiders. I don't love laying 9 1/2 points, especially with an up and down Texan team, but I think they Rick-roll the Raiders on Sunday, all day long. Al Davis looks like a reject from the movie Freaks and he wants you to join his traveling sideshow. Don't drink that kool-aid. Take the Texans. Take Slaton. Take Schaub to Johnson all day. Stay away from JaFatcus Russell and crew. Texans 37, Raiders 16. Dan the Man?
Big Dan: Oooh, that's a tough one. I mean you have psychos versus Texans, which sounds redundant, but isn't really. I think I'll go on a limb and say Houston. Somebody's got to tame the beast.
Can the Texans tame the beast?
Bengals (-5 1/2) over Cleveland
Can the Bengals actually be for real? In a word...no. Yes, they are 2-1 after publicly humiliating the Steelers last weekend, but let's not crown them anything just yet. We won't know much after this week either because the Browns are fast becoming the laughing stock of the entire league. Eric Mangenious seems to have no clue how to run a franchise, unless of course you want your franchise run into the ground, then pissed on. Then he's your guy! This week, he dusts off Derek Anderson to helm the ship vs. the Bengals. It won't matter. Carson Palmer has been itching for this matchup for weeks, and look for him to air it out all day long. Bengals roll, 27-10. Dan?
Big Dan: Wow, Ohio against Ohio. Brother against brother. It's got all the makings of an epic saga, except it takes place in Cleveland. Cincinnati.
Big Dan. Not a fan of the mistake by the lake.
Bills (-2) over Dolphins
Chad Henne.
Next.
Too easy. Bills in a romp, 30-7. Dan-0-chevitz?
(I was going to write more, but c'mon, really, what more do you need to know? It's Chad freakin' Henne!)
Big Dan: Oh man. If I go Buffalo, then that douchey guy will be happy. If I pick Miami, then I'm endorsing naked Jon Lithgow. Ummm...er .... oh, what the heck. Buffalo. Jon Lithgow's ass is a cancer that must be stopped.
This doesn't make it better at all.
Rams (+10) over 49ers
Ugh. This game is brutal. I'm getting this game wrong. I'm telling you now, just bet the opposite of what I'm picking. I flip-flopped on this game all day. Look, the Niners are WAAAAY better than the Rams. The Niners are winning this game. If Frank Gore were healthy, it'd have been an easy pick. But he's not. And Glen Coffee didn't impress me last week. The Rams, by the way, are also banged up, going without their 'best' WR, Laurent Robinson and probably without QB Marc Bulger - which could actually be a good thing. I know I'm overthinking this game, but I just don't like the large spread. I think the Niners win 23-14 and a late, fluky, bizarre Ram TD blows the cover. Dan?
Big Dan: I guess...St. Louis. San Francisco seems like it needs to be taught humility.
Me: based on what?
Big Dan: Based on, when is that not true of San Francisco?
Humility.
Bears (-10) over Lions
Another 10 point spread? This one is much easier to pick, however. Yes, the Lions won a game last week. Yet, somehow, a famous quote from Winston Wolf comes to mind. So, everyone calm down. The Lions aren't winning this weekend. I do hate taking a relatively conservative Bear offense with such a large spread, but I don't think the Lions will put up much of a fight. Figure the Bears win, 20-7. Dan-a-lama-Ding dong?
Big Dan: Do you know I always mix Chicago and Detroit up. I guess it's because they're both huge Midwestern cities that I practically never visit. I guess I'll pick Chicago. It's like Detroit without the whole "aftermath of the Apocalypse" vibe.
Me: did you see how Detroit's too broke to bury their dead
Big Dan: That is disturbing on multiple levels. Maybe they can put them in the stands. With little pennants and stuff.
Detroit, 2009.
Jets (+7) over Saints
This one is a doozy! I really have no idea who's winning this game. It's your classic irresistible force meets immovable object. Saints O vs. Jets D. I am curious to see how well Drew Brees plays under the furious Jets blitz. Likewise, can CB Darrell Revis and company contain the Saint's potent aerial attack? I don't think the Jets can waltz into the Big Easy and win this game outright. But I do think they can cover a touchdown spread. Saints, but it's close, 24-20. D?
Big Dan: New Orleans. Not only do I hate the Jets and their whole "let's pick on the cripples attitude," but I'm sick of seeing happy Jets fans out here. I want misery and despair.
Misery and Despair.
Cowboys (-3) over Denver
This is another interesting game. What a great week, week 4 is shaping up to be. Denver isn't anywhere near as good as their 3-0 start would indicate. But Dallas sure didn't look too good vs. the Carolina this past Monday. The game's in Denver and the Broncos are getting points...but I just don't see Denver winning this game. The 4-0 Broncos? C'mon. Dallas can stop the run as well as any team out there and Kyle Orton is not beating the 'Boys. I think Romo has a big day and Dallas rolls 31-17. Big Dan?
Big Dan: How about: the Cowboys will bust them Broncos! Do I have this sports lingo thing down yet?
Me: sort of. but coming from you it sounds horrifying
Big Dan: Aw, nuts to you.
Big Dan just doesn't get it either.
Chargers (+6 1/2) over Pittsburgh
Fresh off a putrid and public humiliation to the Bengals, the Steelers are laying 6 1/2 to the Chargers? Really? I don't buy it. The Steelers are angry, I get that. I bet my brother's GI Joe toys were angry when I stuck hot knives in them to give them authentic "battle scars" too. But the Joes never did anything. You know why? A GI Joe doll has nothing between it's legs. And neither do the Steelers. Winning the Superbowl sucked the fight right out of this team. I don't think Steely McBeam and Big Ben Roethlisberger are up to beating the Chargers this week. Philip Rivers hits Jackson and Gates early and often and LT returns in a big way. Chargers win a barn-burner, 28-27. Dan?
Big Dan: I feel like I picked this game already. Like last week or so.
Me: nope, you did not
Big Dan: Oh. Well, ok. Steelers. Their helmets are still wicked awesome.
Wicked awesome.
Monday Night
Vikings (-3) over Green Bay
Man, this is a good week. The NFL saved the best for last as Green Bay goes into Minnesota to face "Brett Favre's Revenge, Part I." Brett has been waiting for this moment for two years, I don't care what he says. You don't play an entire season for Eric Mangini because you want to. You do it because you have no choice. And Favre didn't. He had to suck it up for one year to finally get to the Vikings so he could personally stick it to Ted Thomson, Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy. My money is on the Wrangler Jeans guy in this game. Favre sticks it to Green Bay with 2 TDs and All Day Adrian adds two more, as the Vikes cruise 31-21. Dan-O?
Big Dan: Vikings...I'm not entirely clear on what a "packer" is.
Me: it's the oldest NFL nickname, named for the Indian Packing Company, in 1919. It was changed to the Acme Packing Co two years later.
Big Dan: You're asking me to pick Vikings or factory workers?! Vikings.
Look at this smug SOB. He can't lose.
Well there you have it. The picks for week 4. Can I hold on to my 3 game lead or will that crazy rapscallion, Big Dan, bumble his way to the top once again? Tune in next week to find out. For now...you know the drill...
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