And here we go again! It's Week 2 in the NFL and I'm ready to give you my sparkling insight into what picks to make. Y'know. If gambling is your thing. Once again, lest we forget, I am coming to you from my gambling flotilla in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And before we get to the Week 2 picks, let's recap the games from the first week in the 2009 NFL season.
Well, as you know, I went head to head with Big Dan. Big Dan, as you'll recall, is my brother. A Faulknerian Man-child who thinks a "halfback" is the South American version of Quasimodo.
Big Dan's hero.
My point is to prove that gambling is a total crap shoot like Roulette or ..uh..Craps. I gave you my expert advice and made my picks while Big Dan gave you a rambling stream of consciousness with the occasional, totally random NFL pick. And how did we do? Well, going into the Monday night games, we were tied, each getting 9 games right versus 5 wrong. On Monday, I felt fairly confident in my New England and San Diego picks, despite the large spreads in both games. Big Dan? He was eating Ho-Ho's and reading about Admiralty Law as he tries to deal with his debilitating Dora the Explorer fetish.
Big Dan has big issues too. And he's very sad about them.
And of course, on Monday night, I got crushed, as while both New England and San Diego won, neither covered. Big Dan had Oakland and Buffalo and took them both to the bank. So after week 1, this is how the standings look:
Big Dan115-
Matt 972 GB
So I am down two and looking to even things up here in week 2 and once again...I have no chance. Who can beat this?:
Oh, Big Dan, no one parties quite like you.
I would like to point out, however, that I did nail the Packer-Bear game as I predicted a 21-16 Packer win. The final score? Packers 21, Bears 15. So, there's that.
Big Dan would like to point out that he feels Joe DiMaggio should have been ranked higher on my Top 10 Greatest Yankees article( http://sportvent.com/http-sportvent-com-mytop10greatestyankees-) because "DiMaggio kept the Kennedys away from Marilyn Monroe's funeral. The guy knew class." Uh...thanks Big Dan. Let's just stick to the picks.
You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste.
Now, let's get to the Week 2 games.
Oakland (+3) over Kansas City
The Raiders impressed me in playing a close game against the Chargers. The Chiefs...did not. They looked lost against the Raven. The Raiders, however, very nearly won their game. Now, the Silver and Black didn't look like world beaters, don't get me wrong. JaMarcus Russell still looks dubious as a top of the line QB and their WR are a disaster. But I think a steady dose of Michael Bush and Darren McFadden will grind the Chiefs to dust. I'm thinking, Raiders 21, Chiefs 17. Take the Raiders and the points. Big Dan?
Big Dan: I have to go with Oakland again. Those guys are scary. Also, Kansas is sort of flat.
Me: The Chiefs play in Missouri.
Big Dan: Oh well that changes everything. Oakland.
Raider fans. Scary or just misunderstood?
Tennessee (-6.5) over Houston
Man, did Houston let me down last week vs. the Jets. They had no answers for a ferocious Jets D. And the Titans have a better D than the Jets. Well...it's at least as good. Until the Texans do something to get back into my good graces, I have to go with Tennessee and their D shutting down Schaub, Slaton and company. Take the Titans, give the points and expect a crisp 24-10 win. Big Dan...
Big Dan: I like the alliteration of Texans vs. Titans. I say Texans, though, because while Titans are big, everything's bigger in Texas.
Everything's bigger in Texas. I guess.
New England (-4) over the Jets
The Jets made believers out of me this past weekend, just slamming the Texans offense. And on the other side of the ball, the Jets offense looks pretty crisp with Jones and Washington running the ball and Mark Sanchez running the show. But I still can't pick them over the Patriots. On the one hand, the Pats burned me this week, failing to cover vs. the Bills. But on the other hand, the Pats came back from an impossible deficit and won the game. I think they ride that stunning momentum into New York and crush their hated rival. I also think Sanchez gets a dose of reality this weekend. Take the Pats, lay the points and watch New England crush Gang Green, 28-16. And Big Dan says...
Big Dan: Jets. I'm predicting a perfect season for New England.
A perfect season.
Green Bay (-9) over Cincinnati
Man, the Bengals blow! Barely clinging to a 7-6 lead, they find a way to blow the game and lose to the Broncos 12-7. The Broncos. The Broncos stink. They have no QB, no real running game, lousy WRs, Brandon Marshall, who would probably lose a popularity contest to Kanye West at the moment, and a lousy defense. The Packers have none of those things. It's a huge spread, but the game is in Lambeau and I just see this as free money. The Pack are going to steamroll the Bungles in this game. Nine points be damned. Give 'em up and look for a 38-9 Packer win. Dan-O?
Big Dan: I guess I'll root for the Beagles.
Me: Uh, you mean the Bengals.
Big Dan: Whatever.
Meet the Beagles.
Minnesota (-9.5) over Detroit
Jeez, what's with the huge spreads? Well, it is Detroit. They're just terrible. But I did think their offense looked a little feisty this weekend against the Saints. Their defense however...ouch. Problem is, even if the Lions keep this game close for three quarters, what is close when it comes to the lions? 28-21? A late Adrian Peterson rumble and suddenly it's 35-21 Vikes and they cover. I think Favre, despite his age and annoyance factor, will play a smart, solid game. The Lions couldn't stop Adrian Peterson if they were armed with shotguns; and the Vike defense should contain the Lions improving offense - though be wary of garbage time TD heaves to Calvin Johnson. I'm forced to say that I think the Vikings win this game 38-24 with a late, cover TD. Dan?
Big Dan: I really want to root for the Vikings. They seem to have Jesus on their side, which is not much like the actual Vikings.
Me: they have Jesus on their side?
Big Dan: Jesus is a Viking fan. Didn't you watch "Passion of the Christ?"
(Ed Note: "When I was on the cross, I was thinking about the Minnesota Vikings," Jim Caviezel, on portraying Jesus in "Passion of the Christ".)
Purple Jesus.
New Orleans (+1.5) over Philadelphia
I'm going against my gut here, which tells me always take the NFC Beast team, especially at home and especially in a close spread game. But I have absolutely no confidence in Kevin Kolb. I admit, I'd be mildly intrigued if Mike Vick were starting this game. But he's still under suspension. Jeff Garcia likely won't know enough of the play book to contribute much, and as you all know, McNabb's out with broken ribs. Even though it was against the lowly Lions, Drew Brees was unreal on Sunday, tossing six TDs. Even if he tosses half that, I still think the Saints win on the road in Philly. It's a brutal environment, but I can't pick Kolb, especially since I'm getting points with the Saints. I say the Saints win this one 27-24 on late Brees lightening. And Big Dan says?
Big Dan: I don't think a guy who tortured hundreds of dogs to death is going to do so hot in the voodoo capital of the country, so I'll go with the Saints.
Me: Vick is still suspended. Also, the game is in Philly.
Big Dan: Dude, you can't keep the voodoo in the Bayou.
The Voodoo in the Bayou.
Atlanta (-6) over Carolina
Ugh. I'll tell you right now, I don't feel good about this one. I went back and forth a lot on this. I like the Falcons. Matt Ryan gets better every game. Michael Turner should explode in this one. Tony Gonzalez makes that whole offense better. The defense looked pretty good against Miami. The game is in Atlanta. But...on the other hand...the Panthers are out to prove they're not as hideous as they looked against the Eagles. Ditto for Delhomme. Except...I think they really are that bad. I don't like giving six, but the Falcons are at home and I think they can win this going away, 21-13. Dan the man?
Big Dan: Panthers.
Me: Uh...ok...any particular reason?
Big Dan: I flipped a coin.
(pause)
Big Dan: It was a British Pound.
God Save the Queen.
Washington (-9.5) over St. Louis
The Rams are just terrible. I mean, just out and out God-awful. I think the Redskins giving 9 1/2 points to anyone is never a good idea or a good bet. Unless of course, it's against the Rams. I think Campbell has a big game and so does Portis, and for one weekend at least, Stemkovsky is giddy as a school girl. Uncle Dan?
Big Dan: : I like to root for the Redskins...that's some old fashioned racism right there. I wish we had a team like the "San Jose Wetbacks" or the "Canal Street Yellow Peril."
Me: (afraid to say anything.)
Nothing racist about this Redskin.
Arizona (+3) over Jacksonville
Defending Superbowl team coming off an embarrassing loss? Check. Explosive offense getting points? Check. High powered offense playing an over-rated, under manned defense? Check. Solid, under-rated defense playing a one dimensional offense? Check. Well...there ya go, this game has all the ear marks for a Cardinal win. Don't believe the hype you'll hear that the Jags will win this one big. They won't. Cardinals, all the way, 30-24. Dan the man?
Big Dan: Jacksonville ... I like their logo. Has there been a Jaguars / Panthers game? Because that would be cool.
Me: Yes. They last played in 2007.
Big Dan: That's like evil twins meeting.
Evil Twins.
Seattle (+1.5) over San Francisco
I'm not sure I really understand this line. Yes, the game is in San Fran and yes, the Niners looked real good in defeating the Cardinals. But, man, that was the Superbowl hangover game for the Cards. And Seattle utterly destroyed the Rams. Now, the Rams are probably the worst team in football - even worse than the Lions, yes - but Seattle did what they were supposed to do - they shut them out. I would take the 'Hawks if they were giving points in this game. They're actually getting 1 1/2, so I'd take the gift and count on a 20-13 Seahawk win, as Hasselback hooks up with Burleson again and Julius Jones punches in the game winner. And for Dan:
Big Dan: I'm going to go with San Francisco again. You know why.
Me: Uhm...no, I really don't.
Big Dan: Because they're light in the cleats. Means they run faster.
Me: Who? The Niners? What are you basing that on?
Big Dan: Hello? Light in the loafers? Geeze.
Light in the loafers?
Buffalo (-4.5) over Tampa Bay
The Bills really impressed me the way they took it to New England and damn near beat 'em. They should have beat them. There are two ways this can go for them. They can crawl into a fetal position and cry, and probably finish the season 4-12, or, they can come out and beat the living snot out of a much weaker Tampa Bay team, put the Patriot game behind them and possibly finish 10-6. I'm picking the latter. Buffalo 24 Tampa Bay 7. Big Dan?
Big Dan: What exactly is a "bill"? Isn't it some kind of medieval polearm? That's kinda neat. Buffalo.
Me: The Bills are actually named after Buffalo Bill Cody
Big Dan: Oh right, because he's such a famous New Yorker.
Not a New Yorker.
Cleveland (+3) over Denver
This game is the stinker of the week. I'm sorta repulsed by this game actually. But, I have to make a pick. And the Broncos are one miracle catch away from having lost to the Bengals 7-6. As it was, they barely won 12-7. I can't pick them. However, the Browns are coached by the Man-gina, so, I clearly cannot pick them. The lesson here is, never get involved in a land war in Asia. The next lesson is, I should probably flip a coin. But I won't. Sigh. Okay. I think Brady Quinn looked pretty solid against the Vikings last Sunday. And the Browns were leading them at halftime, 13-10, before the Vikes blew it open in the 3rd quarter. So, I'm going with Brady Quinn to Robert Royal and taking the points, and will hope for a 22-21 Brown win. Dan?
Big Dan: Cleveland ... they seem scrappier. Denver seems like it would be coddled. It's in the Rockies, which means skiing, hiking, toking up, and going to Aspen with all the celebrities. Cleveland is full of 400 pound laid off autoworkers and factory slobs, who have nothing to do but swill beer and ... watch football! Yeah I gotta go with Cleveland. F**k Denver.
Me: Words fail me.
Slobs?
Baltimore (+3) over San Diego
I'm not a big believer in the Chargers this year. I once saw Norv Turner get bluffed out of a poker game at the Bellagio. I just can't pick a team he coaches in any sort of close game. And this one should be close. The Chargers just didn't look good vs. the lowly Raiders. And now LT is hurt again. The Ravens, however, looked like gangbusters, even if it was against the lowly Chiefs. Flacco tossed for 300 yards, Rice ran for over 100. I'm a Raven believer. And I'm getting three points? Bully! Take the points and the Ravens, 23-13. Big Dan?
Big Dan: Boltman scares the bejesus out of me. San Diego.
The Boltman cometh.
Pittsburgh (-3) over Chicago
The game's in Chicago, but the Bears just lost Urlacher for the season. That should help open things up for Willie Parker and company. Meanwhile, Big Ben Rothlisberger threw for over 300 yards against a stingy Titan defense. I see him doing the same to the Bears. And good God did Jay Cutler look horrific. I thought I was looking at Rex Grossman out there. Hell, Grossman probably would have done better. After getting embarrassed in Lambeau by the Pack, the Bears come home and face an even tougher foe in the defending Superbowl Champs. I don't see the Bears pulling this one out, even getting three points. Figure the Steelers win, 24-10. Over to you, Dan.
Big Dan: I pick Pittsburgh because their team colors are on a set of Power Armor in Fallout 3.
Steely McBeam?
New York Giants (+3) over Dallas
I'm a big time Cowboy fan. And this is their home opener in Jerry Jones's new pride and joy. His multi-billion dollar toy, that brand spanking new sports complex he's built to hold his own enormous hubris. But I didn't like what I saw from the Cowboy defense this past Sunday against the Bucs. I think the Giants are going to eat them alive. And the G-men's defense is far stouter than Tampa's. Sooo...having said that...I gotta go with the Giants. The fact that they're getting points is just icing on the cake. Plus, since I'm expecting the worst, imagine how happy I'll be if the Cowboys actually manage to pull off a victory here. Anyway, take the Giants and expect them to spoil Jerry's coming out party, 33-28. Over to you Dan.
Big Dan: Hmmmm. I will go with Dallas. I'm in the mood to see everyone else looking miserable for a change.
I want them all to suffer!
Monday Night
Indianapolis (-3) over Miami
I don't have a lot to say about this game because I feel like it's the lock of the week. The Colts are leaps and bounds better than the Dolphins and while I expect the Dolphins to play a tight, conservative game, manage that clock and attempt to keep things close, ultimately, the superior talent on the Colts side will win out. And with such a small spread, you can expect a cover as well. Figure Manning to Wayne and Clark a few times and count on a 27-14 Colt win. Monday Night, Dan-O?
Big Dan: I'll go with Indianapolis ... Dexter isn't for another 2 weeks.
Two weeks.
And there you have it. These have been the picks for week 2 in the NFL. Once again, I'm going to get destroyed....so let's drown my sorrows in cheerleaders.
