We're baaaack! Did ya miss me? Big Dan and I took the holidays off to watch some turkeys and eat our share of footballs. Wait. Switch that. Reverse it. Anyway, we're coming back strong in Week 13 to remind you that gambling on the NFL is a fool's gambit - at best.
Only a jive turkey gambles on the NFL.
As I go man-o-y-Dan-o against Big Dan, I remind you that while I am an alleged football expert, Big Dan thinks that an Offensive Co-ordinator is a party planner with his fly down.
Big Dan: Fired up for the week 13 picks. He just doesn't know why.
After 11 weeks and a non-week in Week 12, the standings remain:
Me: 79-63-2 -
Big Dan: 77-65-2 2
That's right. Big Dan is just a paltry two games behind me. And this week will prove to be especially futile for me, as many of the games make little to no sense. But Big Dan could care less. He just likes the pretty colors and drugs. Ya gotta have drugs.
Drugs.
THURSDAY NIGHT
JETS (-3) over BUFFALO
This game is being played in Toronto because apparently Roger Goodell doesn't think the Argonauts are good enough for our Canadian breathren. No, he wants to show them real football. NFL football. So, he's sending the Colts and Saints to...wait...no, sorry...he's sending the Jets and Bills. Wow. I think I'd rather watch the Argonauts. At 5-6, the Jets need this game far more than the 4-7 Bills do. I'll go Jets and they cover. But it's ugly. Jets win the game, but little Canadian fans, 17-7. Big Dan?
Big Dan: I think I have to go with Buffalo. The Jets know nothing about playing in desolate, snow-covered wastes. Not that New Jersey is much better, but, you know.
In case you were wondering. This is how the game looks in Big Dan's mind.
SUNDAY
DENVER (-4.5) over KANSAS CITY
Denver hasn't played particularly well in recent weeks, but they're still 7-4 and very much alive for both a wild card and their division crown - though they do trail San Diego by a game there. Meanwhile, it's the Jamaal Charles show in KC! I'm not sure what that means, but I know I don't want to watch it. Denver wins big on the road, 31-14. Big D?
Big Dan: I say Denver...all that training way up in the Rockies. It's like some wise master descending from the mountain to kick ass. Also, screw Missouri.
Me: What have you got against Missouri?
Big Dan:They call themselves the Show Me State. I say, let's show em.
The Broncos trainer before the big game.
PITTSBURGH (-14) over OAKLAND
As I make my picks first, then ask Big Dan his, I have no idea who he's picking - and he doesn't have a clue how I pick. But I am saying right now, I am betting the D-man takes Oakland here. And I'll tell you why. This game is going to go 1 of 2 ways. Pittsburgh is back on it's heels, reeling, suffering internal strife (looking at you Hines Ward) and concussions - well, Big Ben is concussed. Either they are going to come out here - at home - angry as hell and kick the living crap out of Oakland...or they're going to sink deeper into the "poor me" doldrums and struggle at home against a vastly inferior team. And since Big Dan has retard-strength luck, and he likes to pick Oakland, this could be one of those ridiculous games he gets right. However, I'm giving the Steelers the benefit of the doubt and say they come out angry. Really angry. Steelers roll, 38-7. Big Dan?
Big Dan: That's an interesting matchup. Pittsburgh always reminds me of The Pitt, but I assume that The Pitt is closer to what Oakland looks like now. Let's say Steelers ... for not yet having mutated into trogs.
Me: Huh. I was sure you'd take Oakland
Big Dan: I'm feeling generous.
Just your average troglodyte Raider fan...according to Big Dan.
JACKSONVILLE (pick'em) over HOUSTON
No spread here. Just pick me a winner, Bobby. The Jags have surged to run their record to 6-5 while everyone's preseason darlings, the Texans, have really slumped to drop to 5-6. This game could really go either way. The Jags probably won't be able to stop Schaub to Andre Johnson and the Texans won't stop MJD. I'll go with the stronger running game and say the Jags keep rolling, 23-20. Dan?
Big Dan: I'm going to go with Houston. It just occurred to me that jaguars are an exclusively South American species. Naming a team from the American Southeast after them makes no damn sense.
Me: You'll occasionally see one in Arizona
Big Dan: Well if they were in Arizona maybe they'd win.
Just another Jaguar roaming the streets of South Florida...
TENNESSEE (+6.5) over INDIANAPOLIS
Yes you read that right. I'm pickin' the Tennessee Chris Johnsons (with his plucky side-kick, Vincy) to defeat the defeatless Colts. Look, the Colts have been walking the razors edge for a few weeks now. They're simply not this good. Peyton Manning IS this good - better even. But even he can't pull their fat outta the fire every week. Plus, the Titans desperately need this win to keep their playoff train rolling. They've fought back to 5-6 and getting to .500 would be huge. Titans prevail 27-24. Dan-0?
Big Dan: I have to go with Tennessee. All things Titans since I saw the trailer for the remake of Clash of the Titans. Liam Neeson as Zeus!
Liam Neeson's playing this guy? I don't see it.
PHILADELPHIA (-5.5) over ATLANTA
Mike Vick returns to Atlanta! Wow. Sadly, no Matt Ryan and no Michael Turner spell doom for the Falcons. Sometimes, it's just that easy. Philly should maul the Falc's and up their record to 8-4 while the Falcons will fall to 6-6 and damage their playoff hopes. They need Ryan and Turner to get healthy. Fast. Eagles crush'em, 30-17. Dan?
Big Dan: Has Michael Vick received a crippling injury, or better yet been mauled by a pack of wild dogs?
Me: No and..uh...no.
Big Dan: Well then, Atlanta.
Not pictured: Mike Vick....wait...is that his ankle beneath the dust?
CINCINNATI (-13) over DETROIT
Ugh. I hate this game. Cincy is pretty good, at 8-3, but not as good as their record would suggest. The Lions, meanwhile, while every bit as bad as their 2-9 record indicates, still have a pretty fiesty offense. Matt Stafford (assuming he plays); Calvin Johnson and Kevin Smith - along with TE Brendon Pettigrew - can score. Not enough to win, obviously...but enough to cover a 13 point spread. So, this is a scary game. Still...the Bengals play well at home, and they really need a statement game. They need to remind everyone that they beat the Steelers - twice and the Ravens this year. I say they roll a lot of points and cover in a high scoring affair. Bengals win 41-24. Dano?
Big Dan: Let's go with the Lions. I have a feeling they're the only team in the world that has home-field advantage for being AWAY from Detroit.
Detroit Lions: on the road and ready for anything.
NEW ORLEANS (-9.5) over WASHINGTON
It's in D.C. which is presumably why the Saints are only favored by 9 1/2. Which is stupid, because the Saints are going to anihilate the 'Skins. This game's not even going to be remotely close. Sure, there might be some letdown from the Saints, after their big win on Monday night over the Patriots...but the Saints have shown that even when they suffer a letdown - see the Ram game - they can ratchet up their offense at any moment and score quickly - and often. The 'Skins are way over-matched and will drop to 3-9 while the Saints will stay perfect at 12-0. Saints destroy 'em, 44-13. Big D?
Big Dan: That's an interesting juxtaposition, isn't it? "Saints" versus "Redskins." I think I have to go with "Saints." Anything else would look even uglier.
Juxtaposition.
CAROLINA (-6.5) over TAMPA BAY
Well this is a steaming pile of crap. The 1-10 Bucs vs the 4-7 Pathers. Who cares? Will anyone even bet this game? Almost certainly. Who'll win? Who knows? The Panthers will be starting Matt Moore in place of injured Jake Delhomme - but Delhomme has been lousy this year anyway. The Panthers should be able to run all over the hapless Bucs, but really, this game could go either way. I'm hoping for a Panther, run heavy win, 17-10. Dan?
Big Dan: Tampa Bay. All things Florida this week. Dexter pulled a much better plot twist than I thought. A couple of 'em, actually.
Dexter. Big Dan's a Big Fan.
ST. LOUIS (+9) over CHICAGO
I was going to pick the Bears to roll over the 1-10 Saints - who really stink. But then I realized something. The Bears are TERRIBLE. Just awful. And their defense - once a strength - is now even worse than their offense - which is putrid. There's no way the Bears are covering a 9 point spread, even if it is vs. the Rams. Steven Jackson should play and play well. The Bears will probably still win, but it won't be a blow-out. Bears win, 24-17. D-man?
Big Dan: Chicago ... if things go bad, they can always just turn some union thugs loose in the Browns locker room.
Me: Uhm...St Louis is the Rams. The Browns - a baseball team - haven't played in St Louis since 1953. The NFL Browns play in Cleveland.
Big Dan: Right ... because by Week 13 no one has yet figured out I know dick about this stuff.
Me: I just want you to feel like you've learned something.
Big Dan: I'm sure I'll have forgotten by next week.
How could anyone forget the St. Louis Browns?!?
SAN DIEGO (-13) over CLEVELAND
This is another easy game. The Browns, at 1-10 (though there's no shortage of 1-10 teams), are probably the worst team in the NFL this year. They have no QB, no running game, no reliable WR, no TE, no O-Line and no defense. Meanwhile, while not great, the Chargers are solid, and are on a roll. Despite the high spread and the game being in Cleveland, the Chargers should still easily destroy the Browns, 35-7. D-man?
Big Dan: Well let's go with Cleveland, since I just disrespected the name of Brown.
Big Dan has some problems with a little r-e-s-p-e-c -t.
SAN FRANCISCO (pick'em) over SEATTLE
I really have no idea who to pick in this game. Seattle (4-7) is not good. But Justin Forsett has looked pretty decent to rejuvenate the sluggish 'Hawk running game. Meanwhile, the Niners are...well...decidedly mediocre. Still...I think they're just mediocre enough to beat the Seahawks. Niners win on the road, 26-21.
Big Dan: Seattle. Barbara Boxer's being especially nasty lately.
Barbara Boxer. She's get you. And your little dog too.
MINNESOTA (-5) over ARIZONA
Not a good time for the Cards to face the Vikings, even if it is in 'Zona. Kurt Warner is still trying to recover from concussion related symptoms, while Tim Hightower is also trying to shake off a nagging thumb injury. As of right now, it looks like both Warner and Hightower will play, which is a must if the Cards want to compete in this game. The Vikings are rolling and are heading for an NFC Championship showdown and throwdown with the Saints. I doubt the Cards will prove to be more than a bump in the road - if that. Favre will throw all day to an increasingly better and better Percy Harvin, as well as Sidney Rice. Plus, there's a RB there named Adrian Peterson that'll be tough to stop. All in all, the Vikes should win, 30-21. Dan?
Big Dan: Vikings. They are the Vikings, right? I didn't screw that up?
Me: No.
Big Dan: Good. Vikings, barring some 11th hour appearance of the nigh mythical Arizona jaguar, which I'd take as an omen.
The 'mythical' Arizona Jaguar. A PSA from Sportvent.
DALLAS (-2) over GIANTS
Alright...my bias is showing. Probably. The Giants are a team reeling though, having fallen all the way to 6-5 after a 5-0 start. And Dallas is looking pretty decent lately, running their record to 8-3. Still...Romo and Wade Phillips in December has been a lethal combination for Cowboy fans over the last few years. I'm hoping they finally bust through their December hump and they do it in the Meadowlands against their hated rival. And if they don't...I'll probably cry. Dallas wins, 23-17. Dan?
Big Dan: Dallas ... it's too warm up here for football season. It'll throw the Giants off kilter.
I'm with Big Dan on this one. Go Cowboys!
NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over MIAMI
Ya think ol' Bill Belicheck is a bit steamed over his loss last week to the Patriots? I think he is. And I think he and Tom Brady take it all out on Ricky Williams and the Dolphins. Patriots right their ship and up their mark to 8-4, while the 'Fins sink to 5-7. Pats roll, 34-21. D-Mac?
Big Dan: Miami! Dexter again. Also, screw the Patriots.
Screw 'em!
MONDAY NIGHT
GREEN BAY (-3) over BALTIMORE
Not a huge fan of the Pack in this game, but it's in Green Bay and the Packers have quietly put together a string of wins to up their mark to 7-4 and put themselves in position to contend for one of the two wild card spots in the NFC. They trail the Vikings by 3 games, so the division is out of reach. Meanwhile, the Ravens desperately need a win to avoid a devastating blow to their playoff chances. I don't think they can get it. Ray Rice should run all day on the Pack and Flacco can hit Mason deep...but at the end of the day, I think the Pack find a way to win this game, narrowly covering, 27-23. Dan?
Big Dan: You know, sometimes the Ravens seem cool to me, but for some reason right now they make me think of whiny Goth kids. Oooh, my name is Raven and I hang out where Edgar Allan Poe is buried. Blech. Green Bay. In a blowout.
He knows where Poe is buried. Do you?
Well, once again, we've come to the end of another week of games in the NFL. Down 2 games, did Big Dan catch me or did I extend my lead? Time will tell...but for now...CHEERLEADERS!
