Fantasy Owners Who WILL KILL your league

by Matt Minucci

You better not out bid me for Albert Pujols, fella.

I haven’t delved into the area of fantasy sports all that much in my Spin articles. But I’ve been harboring a dark secret from you all. I’m a fantasy sports junkie. I admit it. I’m not proud of it, but it’s true. I delve deeply into fantasy baseball, football and even hockey and basketball. Don’t blame me though. I was born with my illness. Anyway, with Fantasy Baseball in full swing and the King of Fantasy Leagues, Fantasy Football, looming, I thought I’d give some basic advice to those of you who are contemplating joining the Fantasy sports generation. Forewarned is forearmed I always say. My advice to you is to read over this article before starting or joining any fantasy league. You want to avoid all types of owners described in this article, plus any owner named David Tuchman, who is the inspiration for this article.

While you were staring at this photo he just stole little Tommy's college fund.

The Draft Master

Yahoo's rankings are slightly better than ESPNs, but not quite as good as Penthouse.com.

Not the blue light special air condition at Wal-Mart, no, the Draft Master is the guy that shows up at the draft with spreadsheets with over 1000 players on them. He’s memorized the yearly projections from ESPN, CBS Sports, Sports Illustrated, Sporting News, Yahoo and the Farmer’s Almanac. He’s got surveillance photos from outside player’s homes, knows what they’re eating and who they’re sleeping with. Now, this may seem inspiring, but the Draft Master is not your friend. His dedication to the draft is only half the story. He’s also the ultimate schemer. He wants to know exactly what you’re draft strategy is, what picks you have and what players you’re targeting, so he can utterly destroy you and your strategy. Why? Because this guy approaches the draft like he’s the Kurgan.

There can be only one, Highlander!

The minute you take Brandon Webb with your pick, this guy is on the phone with his buddy in Flagstaff who happens to be Webb’s gardener and he tells him that Webb’s wife dropped something heavy on his shoulder. Really heavy. Like a buick. The guy then proceeds to tell you this while he laughs at your pick. Now you’re doubting yourself and your place in the universe. That’s how evil this douchebag is. However, luckily, you only have to deal with this guy for around 3 hours a year, and towards the end of the draft he’s busy focusing on next year’s draft so you can go grab a beer and some wings and relax. Of course, someone this deeply obsessed will most definitely morph into one of the other guys on this list as the season progresses.

Prospect Parker

If AAA stats counted, I'd be killin' you right now!

Meet Prospect Parker. He’s a nice enough guy, but he will be completely oblivious to the fact that he drives everyone absolutely insane both at the draft and during the course of the season. This is the guy that ignores every single fantasy publication out there except for the Baseball Prospectus and Baseball America’s Top 100 prospects. Parker laughs at your silly notions of drafting over-the-hill players like Albert Pujols and Alex Rodriguez. Instead, he will fill his team with guys like Matt Weiters, Matt LaPorta, Andrew McCutchen, Tommy Hanson, Brian Matusz, David Price and Fernando Martinez. Doesn’t sound too bad, until you consider he’ll have all these guys by round 8. This guy cares about only one thing: Potential. While he’s incredibly annoying during the draft – because you know that if you want just one prospect you’ll have to draft him ridiculously early to keep him out of this guy’s grubby caterwallers – he’s even more annoying during the season. Invariably, while Weiters and friends are tearing ass in AAA, Parker’s collection of B squad backups are forced to start and he’s usually out of the race by Memorial Day. Sadly, the law of averages say he’ll have at least 1 or 2 stars that he either got by accident or they’re some of his B talent that stepped up for a career year. He’ll then quickly trade these players to your nearest competition for draft picks. What’s worse, while he’s mathematically eliminated early, it’s almost a guarantee that his prospects will be emerging in August. Some have to, since he has every single one. That’s when you have to play him, a 4-17 team, when you need 1 win to make the playoffs, and suddenly his rookies light you up like a Christmas tree. He of course brags to everyone that he “knew his kids would come around sooner or later.” Of course, there’s always next year. And next year’s prospects.

 The No. 1 Fan

I'll make that cock-a-doodie head Ed trade me Jeter! I'm his #1 fan!

Meet Superfan. He does nothing but stock his fantasy team with players from his favorite team, consequences be damned. This guy has a pattern that’s easy to recognize. First, he does nothing but draft his favorite players from his favorite team. Then he’ll make ridiculously lopsided trades to acquire any players from his favorite team he was unable to draft. Like trading Dustin Pedroia and Roy Halladay for Robinson Cano and Chien-Mein Wang. Once he’s assembled his replica team, every player on that team becomes untouchable. This guy will call his team, “The Bronx Bombers” and his draft will pretty much go like this: 1. CC Sabathia 2. Mark Teixiera 3. Alex Rodriguez 4. Mariano Rivera 5. Derek Jeter 6. AJ Burnett You get the idea. If he can’t get a guy he wants in the draft, he’ll trade for him at all costs. He’ll trade Hanley Ramirez for Derek Jeter and consider it a steal. But he would balk at trading Mark Teixiera for Albert Pujols because he doesn’t want to get robbed. When trying to deal with this guy, remember, his view of things. The best players in fantasy land are: Alex Rodriguez one, Mark Teixiera two, and God a distant third. And good luck getting either of those first two.

The Pick-up Artist

I just picked up Chris Jakabuskas and Kosuke Fukudome! High five!

This guy will pick up one or ten guys a week, every week. He can’t help himself. He’s obsessed. He constantly scours the waiver wire, sure there’s someone hiding out there that will suddenly catch fire and lead his team to the promised land. Many league commissioners solve this problem by limiting free agent pickups to once a week or even once every three weeks. This severely limits the damage a pick-up artist can do. However, in daily leagues, particularly Yahoo and ESPN based leagues, the PU Artist can be an unmitigated disaster. He frequently has the least talented team, but seems to win every other week by streaming in position players and pitchers (if baseball) in, replacing dead weight with players that are riding a hot streak. He’s the guy that picks up Dexter Fowler, Emilio Bonafacio, Nick Swisher, Nyjer Morgan, Jason Kubel and about 6 dozen pitchers. Sure his ERA is 7.85, but he’s got 250 strikeouts in a week. Eventually, this type of stunning managerial acumen will catch up with the guy, and unless he’s extraordinarily lucky, he will finish in the lower half of your league. But he’ll be a major pain in the ass along the way.

Nowhere Man

Does this guy even exist? 

This is the guy no one in the league is sure actually exists. In my leagues, he's called "Albenda." He sends a list for the draft. Or his team is autodrafted. He never makes a free agent move. Doesn’t respond to a single trade offer. He never changes his lineup. He’s a ghost. A name on a screen. Even his logo is a bland and generic baseball cap or helmet. His league fee arrives in the form of a money order from some offshore account in the Caymans. If he logs in at all, he’ll login in April, then again in June, make some drunken moves in July and be done til the next year. It’s a virtual lock that half his team will be on the disabled list. Currently, his starting lineup probably looks like this: C Ryan Doumit 1B Carlos Delgado 2B Rickie Weeks SS Jose Reyes 3B Aramis Ramirez OF Manny Ramirez OF Ryan Ludwick OF Lasting Milledge DH Barry Bonds You read that last one right. That’s how long it’s been since he checked his team. At least having this guy in your league will guarantee you won’t finish last.

The Master Baiter

Or as my buddy Quigley calls him: The Jerk-off.

Here’s how the Master Baiter works. It’s just after midnight. You’ve just finished the most grueling auction in league history. You’re pretty pleased with your team. You’ve got some holes to fill over the season, but all-in-all, a decent team. Suddenly, you get an email. It’s a trade offer from the Baiter. Literally 70 seconds after the draft. Trade offer from Mantibo Mudcats: Chris Wells, Tim Hightower, Hines Ward and Brett Favre for Peyton Manning and Maurice Jones-Drew. It takes you a full three minutes to read and reread the email several times until you finally realize it’s not a joke. You reject it and mutter “moron.” Not ten seconds after you reject it, you get another email Trade offer from Mantibo Mudcats: Chris Wells, Tim Hightower, Hines Ward, Brett Favre, Greg Olson and a 4th round pick in 2010. Message attached: “Hey bud. Thought the first offer was pretty fair. Wells and Hightower gives you the starting RB in Arizona guaranteed. Ward gives you a solid WR that you need and Favre should be a monster in Minnesota, especially with two games vs. the Packers and Lions. Manning is old and doesn’t have Harrison anymore and Jones-Drew is injury prone. But anyway, I added Olson to give you a solid tightend – with Jay Cutler throwing to him, watch out. And I added a draft pick for you. Hit me back and let me know it’s a done deal. At this point, you’re utterly frazzled. You’ve just finished the draft. You can’t even wrap your head around a 2010 draft pick yet. What’s more, in your tired state, his bullspit is actually making sense. Yeah…Wells/Hightower matches Jones-Drew. Favre is close to Manning, plus I get Ward and Olsen. You nearly accept when suddenly your higher brain functions kick in and you realize ten pounds of crap does not equal one ounce of gold. You hit reject and realize it’s gonna be a long season with this jackhole in the league. This guy exists. Believe me. And regardless of how many people hate him, regardless of how many rejections he gets, he will not stop until you are dead. No wait, that’s the terminator. He will not stop until he gets a trade. And he will. 99% of the league will reject him. But there will always be one person that’s either misguided, misinformed or not sober enough, and they will do a trade with him. You just will have to learn to deal with it. By the way, you can almost guarantee that this guy will sniff out the Royals fan in your league and trade Mark Teahan and Gil Meche to him for Evan Longoria.

Your Best Buddy

Hey Bert...let's trade.

Not really your best buddy, but a league owner that does his best to become your new best friend. He’ll compliment you on your fantastic draft. He’ll note every one of your star players, promising you he agrees with your choices and states how you’ve got, hands down, the best team. At first, you’ll love this guy. Then he’ll just get down right creepy. He’ll send you emails asking for your advice on free agent moves, trades with other owners, lineup decisions and even what to get his mother for her birthday. He’ll send you long emails letting you know how his life’s going, how he’s doing at work, how his doctor found a oblong-shaped boil on the lower part of his ass. Then he’ll send you this message: Hey dude. Rough week for you huh? Mark Teixiera’s wrist is tore up pretty bad from what I hear. And the way Rivera blew those two saves vs. the Sox? Dude is old as sin. Listen, I’ve hate to see you struggling. I want us to play each other in the finals! Let me help you out. I’ll give you Adam LaRoche, he’s a solid first baseman. Tommy Hanson, Braves uber-prospect. David Purcey, who’s got a ton of K’s for the Jays. Alexei Ramirez, the Cuban missile. And Brad Ziegler, A’s closer. He’ll shore up that hole Rivera created for you. What do you say? I think this is a great deal for you, and hopefully it won’t hurt my chances too bad either. Sound good? Now if any of you doubt this, I’m here to tell you….that email is 100% true. I know because I sent it. And I got Teixiera and Rivera. The lesson here?

Trust no one.